A gray day flies by

I just deleted four deadly dry paragraphs about how it's important to make sure one gets enough sleep and other tips for staying emotionally on top of one's game. Yawn. I'm no columnist. I ramble, and not rambling turns me into a dullard.

It's a gray day here in Brooklyn. I'm amazed it's already 5:00p.m. I swear time moves more quickly in the city. Another day has flown by and I'm surrounded by things I've meant to do and haven't gotten to. It's okay. Well, it's okay, sort of.

I've been allowing myself to sleep as long as I need to and I slept 11 hours last night. I've been overly vigilant about my sleep. Am I sleeping too much because I'm depressed? Should I set the alarm clock? Is it okay to sleep this much? Am I sick? Well, yes, I've discovered I am feeling a little bit sick. Discovered? How'd I not notice? Weren't you taking good care of yourself? Weren't you pacing yourself? What's wrong with you?! Stop overanalyzing! Stop thinking! Get back to your schedule! Are you okay? What's a normal feeling? Are you sure you're really sick? Is that humming from the restaurant ventilation system across the street going to drive you crazy? How about the lack of light in the apartment? Why didn't you realize these things were so bad?! Maybe you should have looked at more apartments before you took this one! What were you thinking? What were you thinking?!

Oh, my. Monkey mind has returned with a vengeance.

I am really okay today. I am a little bit sick, yes. And those thoughts, well, they aren't gone, but they're swirling around in a more free floating manner than they were.

Luckily for me, I can stop the swirl of thoughts pretty easily. Right now, the swirling cacophony of thoughts is more active than usual, so I need to work a bit harder (okay, a lot harder).

I can also have a good laugh at how absurd it all is. The mind can spin anything, and it's really, really good at it.

One minute you're feeling fine and the next minute something happens that throws you. I've had days where something stupid would happen and I'd think "I feel like killing myself." Y'know what? Lots of people think that. "I'm so stupid. I knew I should have taken that left turn when I went right. I'm an idiot and I should kill myself."

It's pretty laughable, really.

Other times one can be totally down in the dumps and perhaps you'll wind up watching a good movie and forget all about what was bothering you. Or you can be transported by a good perfume, a lovely flower, a bird landing on a tree, your cat or dog, a good book. . .the list is endless. We can be distracted so easily if we allow it.

The last part is the key. We seem to have a propensity for being pretty attached to our feelings, even if they're causing us pain, and so we miss all the opportunities to be delighted by life. In the end, happiness is really in the details. It appears that no amount of success helps with anything if you go by what's in the tabloids. Otherwise, why would there be so many celebrities in rehab or getting divorced? Sure, the lack of money makes everything a lot worse, no doubt about it, but money really does not buy happiness, nor does success. If we can't see the little things in life and take pleasure in them, there is nothing that will help us. I may change my mind about a million things, but this is one thing I stand by.

I can also choose. Did I notice the horrible humming from the restaurant in the last half hour? No. Do I like that sound? No again. But when I was distracted by just being here writing, which I enjoy, I wasn't focused on that hum. I could sit here all day and stew and fret about everything that bothers and scares me but it won't do me the slightest bit of good. Everyone is so focused on depression-as-disease these days that saying there's any choices involved is downright heretical, but I'll stand by that, too. I don't mean one can talk oneself out of a depression, but one can make small choices during the course of a day that will make a difference.

I lit nice incense. I put my favorite perfume on. I chose to blog when I felt too tired to continue unpacking instead of forcing myself to keep on going. I decided to stop harassing myself with all the "you shoulds." Some days it's tougher than others to make the right choices, but one has got to try. That's all.

Photo note: Look carefully because it's small and blurry. There was a rabbit at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. It was away from the hubbub and the beautifully manicured flowers. It was easily missed. After the rabbit hopped away, I looked down and there were two ducks right at my feet: