Bolllywood Bikini Baby

raan movie image

Katrina Kaif Back in a Bikini For 'Dostana 2'

After showing off her assets in her debut movie "Boom," sexy Katrina Kaif will return to the big screen in a banging bikini for her upcoming project "Dostana 2."

Replacing Priyanka Chopra, who shot a few sexy beach scenes herself in "Dostana" with John Abraham and Abhishek Bachchan.

This will be the second time Katz dons a two-piece for a movie, and we bet fans can't wait!

Popular celeb designer Manish Malhotra been chosen to create the hot beachwear so we expect something classy yet sexy.

We are not sure what Katrina's boyfriend, B-town bad boy Salman Khan, has to say about all.

This though; during a recent interview he told reporters that he likes girls 'covered up.' Well it looks like Katrina disagrees!

And so do probably all of her of fans! Do you think Katrina Kaif will look hot in a bikini in "Dostana 2?" Share your thoughts.

Oscar winning A R Rahman to attend Grammy awards

Double Oscar winning musician A R Rahman on Saturday left for the US to attend the Grammy awards function, where he has been nominated for the 'Slumdog Millionaire score.

The 44-year-old music maestro has been nominated in Best Song Written For Motion Picture for 'Jai Ho' and for Best Compilation Soundtrack for the film.

Rahman left for London early this morning by an Emirates flight alongwith his wife and son, airport sources said.

He is expected to leave for Los Angeles from there.

The composer has already picked a Golden Globe trophy and two Academy award, a first for any Indian for 'Jai Ho'.

If Rahman wins, it will be his first Grammy award, which are considered the Oscar in music.

The the Grammy award ceremony is scheduled to take place in Los Angeles this Sunday. Apart from Rahman, two other musicians who are vying for the award are Sarod maestro Ustad Amjad Ali Khan and Tabla player Zakir Hussain.

Ustad Amjad Ali Khan has been nominated in the best traditional world music
category for "Ancient Sounds" made in collaboration with Iraqi Oud Soloist Rahim Alhaj while Zakir has been nominated in the Best Classical Crossover album category for the album 'The Melody of Rhythm'.

MAJOR VILLAIN TO BRING HAVOC IN "STAR TREK 2"

In a recent interview "Star Trek" writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman have spilled some details about the sequel, which they are currently working on. They argue that now that last years smash hit has set up the characters, our favourite crew members will have to deal with a very nasty and challenging villain next time. Here's what Kurtzman has said:
I think our idea on this is that the first of any series is about them coming together or the formation. Whereas I think sequels are very much about the villain. Because while in the first one the villain serves to bring the crew together, the second one I think has to be a true challenging of what that family is about. That is why "Wrath of Khan" was so amazing. Khan tested each one of them and ultimately asked for the ultimately sacrifice, and that is why that movie held up so well.
So, I guess we can expect some major trouble in space when "Star Trek 2" appears in two years time.

WHEN CELEBRITIES GO BALDLY WHERE NO CELEBRITY HAS GONE BEFORE

You all know how the evolutionary changes will makes us all bald one day, right? Some of us are ahead of our time already :) but how would our favourite movie stars look a bit hairless? Balderazzi.com has the answer. Check out their pictures. Justin, Brad, Ben, George, Jude, Matthew, Russell ... I must admit they look even better when you can see stars reflecting above their foreheads :) And the last one, Hilary Clinton, well that's just natural ugliness with or without hair. Why? It comes from within.

Uh oh

I belong to a chronic pain support group on the Web. I had forgotten about it until a few days ago, and left a few messages. Since I've been writing so much recently about pain, I figured (with hesitation) that I'd post a link to this blog. This morning, someone left a public message for me. It said, "I read your blog and it's depressing. You are a depressing bitch." I think there was another disparaging word in there, but now I can't remember, and that causes me to realize I was more shocked than I thought at seeing those words.

At first I thought it was somewhat funny that I was being name-called. I thought (name calling myself) "What an asshole!" I didn't say this, though I started to write something about how there were at least 300 non-depressing entries on here (and that's a low estimate). Then I decided that someone who would call me a bitch wasn't deserving of response, so I left it at that. And later in the day, the administrator chastised this person, and removed their comment from the board. But, I had already pulled my link.

I had wondered if I should stop blogging in the midst of so much emotional and physical crisis. With only a few people telling me to continue writing, I not only didn't stop, I started to write more. Writing is therapeutic, and there's something about not writing for myself alone that causes me to feel better (so much for the way J.D. Salinger felt). Obviously, we're all quite different in how we relate to the world.

That comment has been like a toxic worm that's worked it's way into my system. I can't seem to expel it and it's causing ripples of self-doubt. No, a person shouldn't call me names. But, I don't want to cause others to feel badly.

I do know at least two people who are distressed by what I write, and I've advised them to stop reading. I know their distress is prompted by caring about me, but at the same time, I feel it's liberating to be able to write freely, and that which is liberating is surely healthy. Isn't it?

I'm often not sure.

I'm not writing this for reassurance. There are good questions that I need to wrestle with. How does one express "negative" feelings and ideas without causing others to suffer? Is that even a legitimate question? After all, the suffering is there. Pretending it is not is lying. It would be like saying not to report the news because it's too painful. People who don't want to be stressed by the news do not have to listen, read, or watch.

But with the personal, it does seem different, though I must admit I am not sure why. We are all too used to hearing personal interest stories of hope and triumph over adversity that folks seems downright offended by anything else. There's a part of me that rails against that. I have no intent on presenting hopelessness for the sake of it. I am not dabbling in the transgressive or trying to be in your face. As I've written, if anything, I can be really too sincere for this age. It is rare that I allow myself to write out of anger (though I'm trying to allow myself to express this emotion with honesty). See? There's that sincerity again.

When I wrote I was bitter, I believe I was not correct. I only wish others the best, even the fellow who called me a bitch. My reaction, besides shock, is that he's got to be hurting to lash out at this stranger in such a way. He also told me (and others) to take a bunch of painkillers and shut the hell up.

That is the attitude of someone who is scared. It's interesting that anger is the response to being taken to a dark place, even though almost all the entertainment that is consumed in this society is violent in some way. I feel there is a bigger point to be made here, and I am not analytical enough to pursue it further. Someone else can pick up where I'm trailing off.

No, I'm not an intellectual. Still, I try to think on these things. Now, I'm going to go spin some wool.

Image note: Variations on this sign are seen at schools and on school websites across the country. Cyber-bullying has become a real problem. "Regular" bullying is no longer tolerated at many (if not most) schools. I notice in myself, a person who has been bullied and also was a bully (yes, I admit it), and was brought up in such a different social milieu than today's in this regard, that I tend to think that children are naturally mean. The minute that thought arises, my "educated" self kicks in and counters that thought. No, I do not agree with myself! I think children are given such mixed messages. While we are now saying that bullying is not tolerated, there's still a belief that it is natural; yes, "Children Are Mean." Children can be mean, but this is learned. I have no doubt at it, even as I have a knee-jerk reaction that bullying can't be outlawed. I find it most interesting to see my socialization arguing with my higher self.

Addendum: I wanted to pull the lousy graphics and insert something dark and medieval. But I can't. I want the bullying piece to stay, and it needs the graphic. I haven't posted much truly interesting artwork in a while. If you want to see some, go to BitterGrace Notes, where you'll always find it (and interesting posts as well!

SPOOKY AND FREAKY "YELLOWBRICK ROAD" HORROR FLICK

This week has been very boring with news, so I decided to thrill and scare you a bit with a new horror flick :) Directed by Jesse Holland, upcoming horror thriller "Yellowbrick Road" has a very intriguing plot I must admit:

One Morning in New England, 1940, the entire population of Friar New Hampshire - 572 people - walked together up a winding mountain trail and into the wilderness. They left behind their clothes, their money, all of their essentials. Even their dogs were abandoned, tied to posts and left to starve. No one knows why. A search party dispatched by the U.S. Army eventually discovered the remains of nearly 300 of Friar's evacuees. Many had frozen to death. Others were cruelly and mysteriously slaughtered. The bodies of the remaining citizens are still unaccounted for. Over the years, a quiet cover-up operation managed to weave the story of Friar into the stuff of legends and backwoods fairy tales. The town has slowly repopulated, but the vast wilderness is mostly untracked, with the northern-most stretches off limits to local hunters and loggers. In 2008, the coordinates for the "Yellowbrickroad" trail were declassified. The first official expedition into a dark and twisted wilderness will attempt to solve the mystery of the lost citizens of Friar...and reach the end of the trail.

Winter blues

The above is not that.

Today is a sunny but cold day. Unfortunately, it's still rather gray inside. I have realized that these long Maine winters do indeed get me down. It's not just the lack of light, and the cold, but the urge to hibernate. Activities that sound good in theory, especially when they are at night, are hard for me to go to. A twenty minute drive in the dark on a snowy road seems like a very long drive indeed.

Winter is six months long here. That is just too long. It is not just me who feels this way - a hefty bulk of the population becomes clinically depressed during this season. The crisis beds and psychiatric units fill to capacity, and they triage carefully (or not) because there is simply not enough room for all those needing help. The state should distribute sun lights to everyone. I wrote that in jest, but I bet that it would ease many a person's winter blues, or cabin fever as they call it here. Maybe our crazy high level of domestic violence would go down (and the high rate of alcoholism, substance abuse, smoking. . .my, this state isn't the wonderland that visitors see, is it?)

Maybe everyone should take up spinning wool. Just taking photos of my latest skein made me feel good. That one was labor intensive. Those strips of fabric hanging off it are hand-tied. Unfortunately, this lovely silk doesn't photograph well because of exactly the thing that makes it so lovely. It's colors appear to change, depending on the way light hits it. I'm sleepy, and there's a word for this phenomonem, but I'm so sleepy that I can't even think of how to google it, nor do I remember what the name of this Indian silk is. Sigh.

A plain shirt, transformed

For those of you who followed my old blog, "The Craft Yogini", this long post (made from many old entries) will be familiar. I've been wearing this shirt a lot lately. I rather overdid it when making it. If I were to make it again, I'd eliminate the big circle on the back, and the patches on the shoulders. There was already "too much" in a good way, what with three gigantic (and very useful) pockets on the front, and the little half circles on sleeves and back. I love this shirt, though I never get any compliments on it (sigh). Maybe it's too artsy-hippie for most people's taste, though I don't see it as that, or maybe it's not flattering (no, it's not flattering, nor was it meant to be), or. . .well, who knows. I'm not fishing for compliments, but only wonder why I love it so, when others seem to be left cold.

Why am I re-posting it now? Hmm. Maybe it's an antidote to all the posts about pain and depression. Maybe it's only because I've been wearing it so much of late. I love the way it looks with rolled up jeans, scruffy brown shoes and belt, and a high turtleneck underneath. And besides that, I couldn't sleep, was lying in bed, woken up with pain once again, and found myself thinking furiously about all the crafts projects that I'm in the midst of or dreaming about. I'm feeling like sewing again, but I've got oh so much other things to finish first!


First, I put pockets on the front. I just had to cover up the little logo.















Then, I cut off the cuffs.









I put a new collar right over the old one.











Lastly, I put on strip of fabric over the button placket and put a big circle on the back.



I sewed on one cuff. I was undecided about it. It seemed too heavy. I went and slit the sides of the shirt and put binding on them, creating more of the smock look I was aiming for. Meanwhile, the one cuff stayed on. . .



. . .but today I cut it right off. I found a few scraps of another handspun blue plaid and I got all excited!



I put the half circles over the remainder of the original shirt's sleeve button placket. Then I put binding over the raw edge.

A few more finishing touches and the shirt is done. I might put a big button at the neckline but I'm not sure yet. If I do, it'll be a button made from the blue and white checked fabric. Here's the shirt:

More things to be grateful for

In this age of snark, I'm just too sincere. Oh well. Hipster writing is nothing I'll ever master the art of, and I never intend to.

That being said, here is today's bit of gratitude:

I've been sleeping poorly and discovered that long naps seem to be more restful. Still, I'm overtired. But, I've been waking up in less pain after sleeping in three to four hour stretches. This late morning, after my second round of sleep, I felt simply awful, so I'm not sure that strategy is working all that well. Hey, I will try anything.

That bit of trivial information about my life isn't the point of this post. It was only the set-up (which, for all I know, wasn't needed, but hey, that's the way I write).

I felt broken by pain. I watched my thoughts, wrote them down in my newly started pain diary, and then did some yoga. An hour later, I felt about as good as it gets.

Some years ago, I thought I'd parlay my working as a tattooist into working as a massage therapist. I must have been crazy (and when am I not?) 'cause I was already having chronic pain issues and my hands were shot, but I had this grand idea that I could do it anyway, and that I'd heal myself through healing others. Well, another grand idea down the drain. I've been kicking myself around thinking I wasted time and money on training. But today, I realized that all that training, at the Kripalu Center, was worth every bit of time and money. I learned far more about yoga than I did about massage. That was the point of learning at Kripalu.

Later, even though I wasn't a yoga teacher (another thing I kick myself around for, but for not doing), I took a week-long class with Don Stapleton, who founded the teacher training at Kripalu. This deepened my relationship with the kind of yoga I had already been practicing, a yoga that has little to do with named poses and precise forms, and everything to do with listening to the wisdom of one's body. He calls it "Self Awakening Yoga." When I was in that class, I wasn't in the best of shape, but I found myself doing things with my body I had no clue I could do. It was exhilarating. I was in such a state of bliss, I called everyone I knew and told them that I loved them. This was a bit of shock to a few people, who had no idea how to respond!

Flash forward to this morning. I'm stiff. I'm stressed. My head is pounding. My back is screaming at me with every step I take. My stomach is in knots. As usual, I wonder "what the hell is going on in my sleep?" (which is a good question, actually).

Slowly, I unwind myself. I do pranayama: yogic breathing. Four breaths in, hold for seven breaths, breath out on a count of eight. This really causes the body to unwind itself. I start that on the cushion. Then, I let myself, ever so slowly, move in the direction of pain and release, breathing to this count, eyes closed, focusing my attention on the places where it hurts, moving my breath into them, letting them release, not pushing it, just letting it be, breathing in, holding, out, in, holding, and out again.

I move so slowly that if one was watching, if they didn't stay a while, they might not think I'm moving at all. This type of movement really focuses one's attention. It's impossible to move that slowly and not be focused. I have no agenda. I am only following where my body wants to move, and at some point the urge to move stops, and I'm done. That's all.

So simple and so incredibly wonderful. I have much gratitude for having learned this. It's a subtle practice of yoga, and not one that's taught much or practiced much. Most are way too impatient to do it. It feels incredible for me.

That's why I'm amazed this I was so easily talked into believing that I shouldn't practice it. Two years ago, when I developed problems with my foot, and had subsequent nerve damage, I was told to stop doing yoga, that it had damaged my foot. Y'know what? I don't believe it. I did then. I was scared by what happened, and when one is scared, it's easy to get them to believe anything (and oh, how that can be applied to everything, can't it?)

Well, another layer of bullshit has been thrown off. (Yes, I do curse.) I think I know bullshit when I encounter it, but words like "nerve damage" can be blinding.

Image note: Don Stapleton. Thank you, Don. His book, here. His someday-I-hope-to-be-able-to-go-there-yoga-center-in-costa rica is here.

"THE AVENGERS" TEAM REVEALED

Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige has recently given an interview revealing the piece of information many comic and sf fans have been waiting to hear for many years now. He explained which super heroes will form the main body of the highly-anticipated "The Avengers". According to him the movie will gather Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk and Nick Fury together in one super powerful team:
My concern is that when we launch a franchise, whichever character's franchise that may be, it should stand on its own two feet. So by the time "The Avengers" comes in 2012, it's not just a team superhero movie with a bunch of characters with powers. It's three people - four including the Hulk, five including Nick Fury - who you've seen before in other movies, coming together for the very first time.

"The Avengers" are set to be released on May 4, 2012, following "Iron Man2", "Thor" and "The First Avenger: Captain America".

KEANU REEVES SEDUCING WOMEN IN SPACE?

It seems that Keanu Reeves, who's gone missing from Hollywood's A-league after "Matrix", has find himself an interesting new role. According to "MovieWeb" Italian director Gabriele Muccino will direct a sci-fi romance "Passengers" with Keanu Reeves as the main star in a love story set on a space ship.
The mid- budget "Passengers", which will start shooting this summer, is set in the future on a spacecraft making a centuries-long interstellar voyage to a new planet. Due to a computer glitch, a single passenger (Keanu Reeves) awakens from cryogenic sleep 90 years before anyone else. Faced with the prospect of growing old and dying alone, he, in turn, awakens a beautiful woman. The director said that the main female role will be given to a "lesser-known" talent.

Clean pain, dirty pain

This book is blowing my mind (an expression I am loathe to use). I'm reading concepts that I've sensed, but have had no words for, ideas that I just know are true, feel absolutely right, dead on, and liberating. If that isn't mind blowing, I don't know what is.

I would have preferred a more elegant term, but here's a concept: "dirty pain." Dirty pain is not simple pain. It's pain muddied up with ideas about how we should feel, what we should feel, why we are feeling what we're feeling, rules we've imposed on ourselves, all sorts of nonsense. I suppose dirty is as good a word for it as anything else. Pain muddied by other issues is surely dirty.

I've often wondered about this. I've had ample evidence that I have a high tolerance for pain. This contradicts my relationship to chronic pain. I've explained this away by saying it's because it's worn me out. Well, sure it has, but still, I know in my heart that I haven't learned to cope with chronic pain, even after a lifetime of it. And why does it just get worse? I know I'm not alone in this by a long shot. I've heard this from every chronic pain sufferer I've known. It only gets worse with time. The reason for that seems mysterious. Even the people I've thought most wise about their health problems admitted to this one; we would all scratch our heads and even laugh at how counterintuitive it seemed to be that it only got worse with time. One thing we'd agree on is that exhaustion had to play a part. But still. It didn't seem enough of an explanation.

I've sat for six hour long tattoo sessions. I do not mind pain. I'll go further and say that I can enjoy it. That's clean pain. It's pain that I know has an time limit, or pain that I've asked for. If I injure myself, I might even laugh about it. Getting my blood drawn, the pain of a test, these kinds of things, they don't bother me at all. It's absurd - I spent 15 years tattooing people and helping them understand that pain is only a sensation! This same person can't handle chronic pain. How can that be so?

Underneath the pain are messages that cause suffering, that's why. Yesterday was a good example. I woke up in a startling amount of pain. My first thought was "What did I do wrong?" That was the first bit of dirt. That one thought muddied the waters. I caused myself to suffer by trying to figure out why I felt the way I did, and I had to find blame. I thought through the day before. I ate pork. Maybe it was the pork. That was dirty pain thought #2. I broke a "rule" and now I'm being punished for it. When I got up and realized just how weak I felt, I could have gone back to bed and gotten more rest. But no, I forced myself up, and set about making breakfast, in spite of feeling exhausted. Dirty thought #3: I must get up. If I don't get up, I'm succumbing to depression. No, I needed more rest. If I had broken my leg, I'd keep the cast on, keep my leg elevated, take care of it. Simple. But this is not simple; it's dirty. Later, I started to cry, and that's when dirty thought #4 and #5 came in: "I shouldn't be crying." Dick was home, so I thought "It feels bad to cry alone when there's someone here." That produced an avalanche of dirty pain thoughts "My parents ignored me when I was sick." "I've lost so many people because of my health problems." "People shouldn't have to suffer alone." "I need some tenderness." "I am helpless." "I am hopeless." "I am an idiot for continuing to fight for life living like this." As you can see quite plainly, waking up in pain caused me to suffer way more than physical pain could possibly merit. If it was only physical pain, I could handle it well. It is not.

Of course, I knew this, but I did not know it in a simple way. Calling it "dirty pain" makes sense. Trying to finally tease out what avalanches of suffering are caused by these fleeting thoughts is my task at hand. I may be able to see that these thoughts are fleeting and are "not me." I may be able to detach, but there's truth behind these thoughts, or emotional hurts that need to be finally (at long last) addressed. I am not living by my values on account of my pain, and that needs to end. It must end. I do not like who I have become. I do not like how my life has become so small, how I've stopped making plans, having hopes and dreams, stopped giving to others fully (or at all). .

Though I'm sorry others suffer, iit does feel good to know that I'm so very much not alone in this. It's all very typical behavior, a common problem. Right now, I feel physical pain and I am "just" experiencing it. I am not suffering. It just is. I can live with that. It's like the pain of doing too much exercise. Well, not entirely. That feels good.

Painting note: Ferdinand Hodler 1853 – 1918 Date and title of painting unknown (by me).

SAM WORTHINGTON SHOWING TEETH IN $100 MILLION "DRACULA: YEAR ZERO" BY ALEX PROYAS

That Sam Worthington really is the luckiest guy in Hollywood. It seems he scores roles only in blockbusters with an eight zero budget. According to fresh gossips Universal and director Alex Proyas are planning a new horror epic "Dracula: Year Zero" and have invited Sam Worthington ("Avatar" and "Clash of the Titans") to take the lead role.
With the budget approximated around $100 million, "Dracula: Year Zero" will tell the story of the origins of Vlad the Impaler, the Romanian count who terrorized his country, and inspired Bram Stoker's vampire tale.
I'm a bit confused, because we recently had some news about Brad Pitt producing "Vlad" with the same story written by Charlie Hunnam.

Stop

I know that in the real world, fighting physical battles only perpetuates the cycle of violence. It never occurred to me that the same holds true with one's interior world.

So, in this spirit, I'm calling a truce with my battle with depression and pain. The more I fight, the more tired I become. The more tired I become, the more pain I'm in. An endless cycle indeed.

We are taught that we must fight. We must rid ourselves of pain. There must be something that will alleviate it - we must find that thing, that key, that drug, that diet regimen, whatever it may be. If not, we're complacent.

Today my GP told me, with tears in her eyes, that I'm more depressed than I realize. She asked me to seek more help. She said that my pronouncements that I'm coping were inaccurate. She could see right through them. She brought up my chart on the computer screen and asked me to look at it and ask myself if this was a picture of a person who was doing fine. I know I'm in poor shape, but what I saw was disturbing.

I've said I'm all over the map, but seeing it in black and white was a shock. Seeing a doctor visibly upset with frustration when I'm such a "good patient", an intelligent person, and someone who doesn't expect others to fix me, well, it was eye-opening. Tears streamed down my face. I tried not to feel ashamed.

The lady doth protest too much that she is not depressed. Maybe my depression doesn't present itself in the "normal fashion." Yes, I'm able to enjoy myself. But, I'm also half out of my mind on some days and have suicidal thoughts. Just so you are not scared by my saying this, I want to be clear: I will not act on these thoughts. They pass like clouds. On some days the clouds hang around for a while, and on others, they pass quickly. I wait.

I had some books waiting for me at the library, one called "Living Beyond Your Pain - Using acceptance and commitment therapy to ease chronic pain." I had forgotten I'd ordered it. I've read a few pages and already I feel a lessening of the tension in my body. The book states that it is not another strategy for reducing pain. It's premise that seeking pain reduction is a trap - the harder we fight, the more we suffer.

I'm slowing waking up to what I already know. Why am I telling you this? Because I know that others suffer, too. I plan on overcoming my suffering. My pain? It's never gone away, so why should expect it ever will? I have still not learned to live with it well. I hope that by sharing my journey with you, with brutal honesty, that I can help one person. If that is all, that is enough.

I've laid down every weapon in my arsenal today. I give in. I give up. I surrender. I'm waving the white flag. See it? Okay, body, I'm listening to what you're trying to tell me. It's time we had some peace talks.

Painting note: Cy Twombly "Leda and the Swan" 1963
The myth has nothing to do with why I posted this. Cy Twombly's work speaks to me deeply, in ways I can't explain. I have often wondered what his intent is, but I don't want to know.

It's official

I'm bitter.

I suppose everyone else could see it long before me.

If I'm not, I have every reason to be. This list of bitter-making pills is long. Oddly, the largest one is the least personal. What can it be?

It's seeing things coming so far ahead of time that I've put my ideas aside. Case in point: I've been knitting and sewing forever. Back in the 80's, I was working at a historical society. I taught crafts classes there in the evenings. They were wonderful. I had a strong sense, even in the midst of the go-go 80's, in that era of women in power suits, that people (women, mostly) were craving making things by hand. I sensed there would be an explosion of interest. I didn't think large enough. Instead, I saw a struggling historical society with fantastic resources that were going to waste. I wrote up a 22 page proposal to create a crafts department, with a gallery, a larger selection of classes, and a summer program. I analyzed every bit of information that went into that proposal. Cut to the end of the story: they thought it laughable.

I am also angry at myself. Having the ability to see things coming is a gift that I've squandered. It was always a running joke with me. There were always these silly things, like wearing horribly ugly shoes that would become wildly popular years later. Being the "weird Martha Stewart." Why didn't I run with my ideas? Why didn't I cherish them?

I should be bitter. The reason I didn't run with my ideas, or honor them, is because I was brought up, programmed if you will, for failure. I should be enraged at my parents. I'm not. They did the best that they could. They were totally screwed up. I had always thought if I worked hard enough, I'd get over what my childhood did to me. I have, in that I'm not angry, but I haven't, in that I've come to see that I was too deeply scarred to be ever be truly whole. A part of me was broken, and some injuries just can't be fixed.

I can live with that. I can even see the good in it, if I use it. If I can somehow use the lessons I've learned for something, I'll be able to live with myself. I've had a lot of failure, disappointments, losses. So have many people. Some are more resilient than others. I think I'm not, but I'm still here, so I must have a modicum of resilience.

I suspect my body does not, however.

In an earlier post, I said I was depressed. I believe this is not true. Depression is defined as having lost interest in life. I have not. If I eat, I eat with gusto. Food tastes fantastic. If I'm spinning wool, or knitting, or reading a good book, or watching a film, I enjoy myself, and I suspect I do so with more enthusiasm than the average person. When I'm working at a yarn shop, and I show someone some new luscious yarn, my enthusiasm is spilling over. Depression robs people of the ability to feel that good. So, I can't be depressed.

Let's call it what it is: sadness, fear, loneliness (and maybe bitterness has crept in - but what a word!). These are three feelings that people do not want to admit to. Depression? It's an illness. It's almost okay.

Painting note: Nicolaes Maes "An Old Woman at Prayer" 1655

The big mistake

Here's the deal: I was following someone's thread on Facebook and it lead me to a page called "Bad Brains:The Movie." It is a documentary of the band from 1979 to the present. I watched the clip, saw Henry Rollins (does the guy make a living being in rock documentaries?), thought "hey, no one called me", and then felt foolish. Of course no one called me. I'm a nobody! But, in 1979, the Bad Brains were a huge part of my life. My band, the Mad, and the Bad Brains did double bills nearly every week, or if not them it was the Misfits. We were often double-billed with one of these bands, and they were what I considered friends at the time. It was long ago, no doubt, but both bands have gone on to become legends, even if one of them is more a legend of the perfect band logo than anything else. I often wonder how many guys with Misfits t-shirts or tattoos have even listened to them.

When I look back on my life, I think what I did once upon a time really screwed me up good. I bet you think I'm talking about the drugs or the bad company. I'm not. I'm talking about the idea that trying to live "a normal life" was preferable to not doing so. Biggest mistake I've ever made. Incredibly stupid. I bought into so many myths that's impossible to count them all on two hands.

One day I'm on the road, living a life most people would kill for, touring with a successful band, making money making noise and acting badly, and I'm thinking "this is bad for me." What kind of idiot thinks that? I wanted "a normal life." I wanted "someone to love me for who I really am." I wanted to have kids and "raise them right."

None of that happened. All of it hinged on mistaken ideas about life. Some of it hinged on the fact that I've always been sick. Someone once wrote a song about me when I was 18 or 19 years old called "Dead Cupcake."

The truth is, if I had continued in that life I once had, I would probably have been much better off. I had no clue. I could have continued to be dysfunctional, sick, or totally nonfunctional. Look at all the "sick" celebrities! Oh well, better luck next time.

Photo note: Back in them days, I used to hide my knitting in the closet! Did I post this pic already?

The battle rages on

I wonder if I should quit this blog. This battle I'm in with depression is raging hard, and it's not pretty. I can try to post only when I'm feeling fine, but that would be dishonest. I seem to care more about honesty than readership. That's a pretty lousy strategy when one wants dialogue.

Therein lies one of the nastiest things about depression. One needs support, but isolation is what one usually gets. Who wants to hear more depressing things? I don't. I know I crave that which soothes my soul, not that which brings me down.

So, I think "I should post only good things, yes. . .I will. . .I must. . .I shall. . .I promise I won't write when down. . ." That fails, for the urge to communicate when lonely and in pain is strong. How many people feel this way? After a while, they shut up. Of course they do. Who wants to hear it, yet again? Not I!

I was in a good mood yesterday, but I could feel the precariousness of it. It was dependent on being in the company of others, being surrounded by nice yarn, decent weather, not being in too much physical pain. I woke up this morning hurting something bad. It took me by surprise. I've been doing so much to help myself; why did I feel so lousy?

When I discovered I had about as much energy as it takes to make it from one room to another and not much more, I wept. I also wept for living here, quite frankly. If I lived in a city, I would have forced myself to get dressed and go for a stroll. There's no place to stroll here. Besides that, the countryside is not for the unwell. One needs good health and energy for the country (except, perhaps, during the summer). In the city, one doesn't need to know how to fix things, or to be able to drive, or to know anything at all. You don't even have to cook. In New York City, at least, one can get perfectly healthy take-out food for less than the price of groceries. And if it's company one needs, it's always at hand. The country, at least in winter, is not healthy for me, yet here I am, quite frankly, homesick as a person can be. Maybe that's what is at the root of the depression. I've lost people in this life, and have learned to live with it, but the homesickness for where I'm from only gets worse with time. It's come as a huge surprise. I always did think one could home again, but one can not. Someone famous wrote those words - you can't go home again. Silly me, I thought it was a platitude.

Photo note: New York in the 70's

OH, NO, GREMLINS ARE COMING BACK!

Oh, lord has someone given them water after midnight??? The Gremlins are alive and ready to come back again onto the big screens. According to the first gossips the remake of Joe Dante's 80's blockbuster "Gremlins" is in the works and will be stereoscopic 3D.
As you probably remember from your childhoods the original film centers on miniature green monsters who tear through the small town of Kingston Falls. Hilarious mayhem and destruction ensue as a mild-mannered bank teller releases these hideous loonies after gaining a new pet and violating two of three simple rules: No water (violated), no food after midnight (violated), and no bright light.
Well, I guess this was expected after the announced remakes of almost all other 80's hits from "Mad Max", "Dune", "Conan", "Ghostbusters", "Karate Kid" and "Overboard" to "Romancing the Stone" and "The Goonies". At least it would be nice to see that cute little Gizmo again :)

AMAZING FIRST POSTERS FROM "THE LAST AIRBENDER"

"Yahoo Movies" has just published first two, very lovely, posters (click on them to view them full sized) from fantasy adventure "The Last Airbender", possibly one of the biggest blockbusters awaiting us this summer. Released on July 2 and directed by M. Night Shyamalan "The Last Airbender" follows the Fire Nation which is waging a ruthless, oppressive war against the other three nations. The film's hero, the reluctant young Aang (Noah Ringer), is the "Last Airbender" - the Avatar who, according to prophecy, has the ability to manipulate all of the elements and bring all the nations together. Aided by a protective teenage Waterbender named Katara (Nicola Peltz) and her bull-headed brother Sokka, Aang proceeds on a perilous journey to restore balance to their war-torn world.
Jackson Rathbone plays Katara's brother Sokka, and the most popular cast member Dev Patel ("Slumdog Millionaire") plays Prince Zuko, prince of the Fire Nation. Aasif Mandvi is set to play the role of Commander Zhao, an ambitious and hot-tempered Fire Nation commander. Shaun Toub is cast as Uncle Iroh, the retired Fire Nation general and devoted surrogate parent to Dev Patel's character Zuko. Cliff Curtis is set to play the ruthless ruler Fire Lord Ozai. Keong Sim has been cast in the role of Earthbending Father.

Inner voices (the good kind)

As I was putting on some perfume the other day, I wondered why I hadn't written about scent in a long time. The most obvious answer is that I haven't been keeping up with any new releases. The less obvious answer is that I've turned out to be a serial monogamist when it comes to perfume. I will wear one fragrance for weeks (or even months), get tired out it, and move on.

I'd been wearing Armani Prive Eau de Jade for nearly a month when one day, out of the blue, I suddenly felt nauseated by it. For a week, many of the scents I love smelled terrible to me. Still, I craved scent. I always do. The smells I was enjoying were simple: Burt's Bees baby powder with it's hint of honey, Weleda birch body oil, and an ayurvedic soap I use whose name I've forgotten. I wanted to put on perfume, but I was nearly scared to. I had been scrubbing everything off within five minutes of applying.

During that time, I rediscovered a nice little bargain scent, Crazylibellule and the Poppies Encens Mystic, which is a little stick of perfume in a cute package for sixteen bucks. On Basenotes, it gets only two reviews; one thumbs up and one thumbs down. If you like incense scents, at this price, one can make a blind buy (as I did) and feel okay about it. It's not a scent I'd jump up and down about, but it's quite nice, stays close to the skin, and can't offend someone.

That's not much of a review, is it?

I'm also a serial monogamist when it comes to food. I like to eat the same thing every day. People do this for breakfast without a thought, but for some reason, if one does this for any other meal, it's considered odd.

I've discovered the joy of eating apples and pears mixed with savory food. The other night I had a most wonderful salad - cold chicken I had simmered in a broth with thyme, basil, marjoram, and roasted garlic, pears, toasted pumpkin seeds, avocado, and salad greens. I had been eating mixed greens with apples, chopped celery, and sunflower seeds for days. Okay, so I wanted a bit of variety, finally.

I find eating raw and simple foods to be very satisfying. Simple tastes seem to explode on my taste buds. I savor each bite, sometimes murmuring little snippets of appreciation in between swallows. There is nothing better than a good chunk of pear or a perfectly ripe avocado (yes, I know I sang the avocado's praises just recently). I used to love very rich foods like lasagna or stews with a zillion things in them. Now, when I eat something like that, it doesn't seem to do much for me except give me a stomach ache. Bad consequences aside, I can't seem to taste complex foods as well as the simple ones.

Once, at the end of a week-long mediation, I ate two potatoes, one white and the other sweet. It was pure heaven. I thought it was a consequence of the intensive meditation. It may have been, but now I'm beginning to think it's the pure food itself. Each meal I have of late feels like that one long-ago meal. I relish every bite. I can't eat quickly, nor do I want to sully my food experience with doing anything besides eating. I believe I have discovered what my body has been craving, and not only am I enjoying eating, I do feel better in general.

Ayurvedic principles tell me I shouldn't be eating cold foods in winter, but I know what my body wants, so to heck with principles. If I was saying I wanted death by chocolate, maybe I'd question the wisdom of my body, but if I am feeling good from eating raw celery, apples, and nuts, I'm not too worried.

There's a thread running between these two things, scent and food. It's listening to my body. I approach wearing scent in the same way; I ask myself "What do I need right now?" What does the picture of my latest handspun yarn have to do with all this? Not much. Or maybe it has to do with doing exactly what I need. I, like many people (I think) have spent too much of my life doing what I think is right when there's an inner voice telling me it's wrong. Now, I'm listening to that inner voice. It isn't stupid, and dismissing it has only done me no good.

Addendum: Here's what I eat for breakfast every morning (and have done for over a year): 1/4 cup Bob's Red Mill 8 Grain Wheat-Free Cereal (hot) with 2 chopped figs , some minced dried bing cherries, dates, and raisins, a small pat of butter, about a teaspoon of chia seeds, and chopped walnuts. Yummy! I'm looking forward to breakfast tomorrow morning.

BLOOD AND SEX IN THE PREMIERE OF THE NEW EPIC SHOW "SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND"

So the long awaited historical series "Spartacus: Blood and Sand" has premiered this weekend. Did you watch it? Did you like it? I hear it's a total gore fest, and should be called "Blood and Sex" :), instead. But it's visually really stunning and promises a lot of fun in front of TV.

Betrayed by the Romans. Forced into slavery. Reborn as a Gladiator. The classic tale of the Republic’s most infamous rebel comes alive in the graphic and visceral new series, "Spartacus: Blood and Sand". Torn from his homeland and the woman he loves, Spartacus is condemned to the brutal world of the arena where blood and death are primetime entertainment. But not all battles are fought upon the sands. Treachery, corruption, and the allure of sensual pleasures will constantly test Spartacus. To survive, he must become more than a man. More than a gladiator. He must become a legend.
Starring Australian actor, Andy Whitfield (McLeod's Daughters) as Spartacus, Lucy Lawless (Xena: Warrior Princess) as Lucretia, John Hannah (The Mummy, Four Weddings and A Funeral) as Batiatus and Craig Parker (Lord of the Rings, Legend of the Seeker), this unique mix of live action, graphic novel effects and brutal battle sequences is set to make "Spartacus: Blood and Sand" an epic television event.

"THE GOOD GUY" WITH ALEXIS BLEDEL AND BRYAN GREENBERG

Here's a movie for a boring Sunday with more than adorable cast. Coming out later this year "The Good Guy" is a nice little drama starring gorgeous Alexis Bledel, ultra charming Bryan Greenberg and Scott Porter. Here's the plot:
Some guys seem to have it all: good looks, easy charm, and easy money. Tommy Fielding is one of those guys. Riding a streak of good fortune and a budding romance that could finally be the real thing, the rising young star on Wall Street chooses to spread the wealth, taking his seemingly hapless co-worker Daniel under his wing. But in teaching Daniel the ways of money and seduction, Tommy could become the unwitting agent of his own downfall. As the pressure builds for Tommy at work and in his new relationship, "The Good Guy" gives a true insider view of the culture of Wall Street and explores what it means to be 'good' in that world. The answer might surprise you.

FOX READY FOR ANOTHER "PLANET OF THE APES" REBOOT

Since remakes are so popular these days in Hollywood, why not do a reboot of a movie that had its last remake just few years ago? :) According to "Movie Web" Fox is planning to give a new life to the "Planet of the Apes" franchise. Apparently, Scott Frank, who was set to write and direct the film, had left the project when the studio wanted the film to go in another direction and now Fox has hired Jamie Moss to rewrite Frank's script while Peter Chernin will produce the film. The reboot will get its director very soon as well.
Well, I'm not against this, although I didn't like the last version which, thanks to Tim Burton, didn't have any essence, depth and direction, I do like those big sf epics which could look good with today's new CGI technology.

HOLLYWOOD SPY RECEIVES A HUMANE AWARD

Hollywood Spy has been honored again. Last week, our dear lady Avalon from Robin Hood, Narnia, Nativity Actors and Period films blog, has organized an award ceremony, and I had an almost "avatarish" success taking home three awards. The most interesting one was HUMANE award, and here's how Avalon has explained her reasons to bestow this honor upon me: I gave this award to Dezmond because he is very compassionate and kind toward animals and all living things.
Off course this doesn't mean that she thinks that Hollywood represents a more glamorous kind of animal kingdom :) If you scroll down to the bottom of this page you shall see some of the causes that HOLLYWOOD SPY supports and fights for. I send my thanks to Avalon for giving me this very kind award.

GODS' POSTERS FROM "PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS"

I know most of you aren't into "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Lightning Thief" coming out next month, but I've just got these four great new posters, revealing the interesting part of the movie - the gods themselves :) If you click on these two pics, you will see the posters for Zeus played by Sean Bean, Medusa played by Uma Thurman, Poseidon played by amazing Kevin McKidd and Persephone played by Rosario Dawson.

FEAST YOUR EYES - JOLENE BLALOCK IN "LEGEND OF THE SEEKER"

Here's one post just for the fans of "Star Trek" :) Tomorrow's episode of the popular fantasy show "Legend of the Seeker" brings the long awaited appearance of Star Trek's Vulcan T'Pol Jolene Blalock. She will portray a mysterious Sister of the Dark who faces the Seeker in the Palace of the Prophets, reveals a shocking secret and forms a dark alliance with him. You can check out the teaser trailer for tomorrow's episode and see the amazing costumes worn by the new female characters.

JOSH DUHAMEL AND SAMUEL L. JACKSON HAVE "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL"

I don't know why is Hollywood so obsessed with angels and demons these days, but it seems Josh Duhamel and Samuel L. Jackson might make some feathers fly all around in "Sympathy for the Devil". Helmed by Boaz Yakin the movie has a very strange synopsis:
Caught in the no-man's land between Saturday night sin and Sunday morning redemption, Louisiana lawman Harlan Stark (Josh Duhamel) finds that his intervention into a spectacular crime -the bold attempt to assassinate a charismatic preacher -soon escalates into a cosmic confrontation between Heaven and Hell, where angels are warriors as dangerous as demons. Harlan and his loyal partner Jesse (Samuel L. Jackson)stand at the fulcrum between vengeful good and devious evil, with neither side showing anything like mercy. Harlan must find the courage to break the cycle, and reject fanatical revenge, yet he too finds himself transformed. Outrageous, violent and subversive, this new adventure in horror from the director of "Remember the Titans" is sure to get controversial when all hell breaks loose in New Orleans and the sacred becomes as deadly as the profane.

JASON MOMOA IS THE NEW CONAN, MICKEY ROURKE MIGHT PLAY HIS FATHER

Last week we informed you that the upcoming remake of famous "Conan" had two young actors competing for the tittle role, but now it seems Jason Momoa ("Stargate Atlantis", "Baywatch") has signed on to play the glorious barbarian in the epic adventure.The studio was choosing between him and Kellan Lutz, but apparently Momoa got the support of director Marcus Nispel by filming a few scenes wielding a giant sword. It also seems that Mickey Rourke could possibly play Conan's father, Codril. An offer has been sent to Rourke, but it still isn't clear if he will accept it or not.
The movie will start production on March 15th in Bulgaria.

Milla Jovovich Wallpaper gallery

Milla Jovovich is a Ukrainian-born Hollywood actress, American model, musician, and fashion designer. Milla Jovovich is the daughter of Galina Loginova, a Russian stage actress and Bogdan Bogdanovich jovovic, a Serbian pediatrician.

Jovovich began modeling at eleven, when Richard Avedon featured her in Revlon's "Most Unforgettable Women in the World" advertisements. Milla jovovich acted in films like Two Moon Junction, Resident Evil,Resident Evil: Apocalypse, A Perfect Getaway,The Fourth Kind and many more.

Jovovich is multilingual—she can speak English, Serbian,[105] French, and Russian. She avoids junk foods and prefers to cook for herself. She practices yoga and meditates often in attempts to live a healthy lifestyle. Jovovich also enjoys playing the guitar, writing in a diary, and writing poems and lyrics for songs.

Birth Name: Milica Natasa Jovovic
Birth Date: December 17, 1975
Birth Place: Kiev, Ukrainian SSR, Soviet Union
Profession: Actress, model, singer-songwriter
Spouse(s): Shawn Andrews (1992–1993)
Luc Besson (1997–1999)
Paul W. S. Anderson (2009–present)

picture of american actress Milla Jovovich


singer and musian Milla Jovovich


pic of model and actress Milla Jovovich


wallpaper of Milla Jovovich


Milla Jovovich image


television and film actress Milla Jovovich


image of Milla Jovovich


photo of Milla Jovovich