Being the sometimes-snob that I am, buying and reading Oprah magazine has always been one of my dirty little secrets. Now I'm coming out of the closet, 'cause I'm telling you that every month there's something good in that magazine, something truly worth reading. It's invariably too short an article, but it's worth it, and too short is better than nothing. For many, anything more in depth might be too much. I forget that most people do not like reading 1200 page books.
This month there's a few articles that I heartily recommend. "The One" is author Alison's Cooper's most personal story of falling in love with a transman. Kudos to Oprah for this being a feature article, which you can read here without paying all of $4.50 for the magazine and having to wade through ads for facial products.
There's an excellent article about women, weight, and dieting, with an excerpt from Geneen Roth's new book entitled "Women, Weight, and God", and Oprah's interview with Roth can be read here. Though I would have preferred the word "god" be substituted with something that'd be less a turn-off to those of us who are atheists, I agree with Roth's premise that weight, body issues, and eating have little to with food, everything to do with filling a void within ourselves, and how we feel about our looks and weight has no true relationship to our "factual" appearance and/or weight.
I've been thinking about this on and off lately as I've lost about 25 pounds recently without giving it much thought. I gave away all my fat clothes and thin clothes a few weeks ago, and now all the in-between clothes are too big on me. I'm now without a wardrobe that fits (if one could even call it a wardrobe).
I've been every size from 0 to 16 a number of times. I've been to Weight Watchers twice in my life and I've been anorexic. Amazingly, I've not been a dieter except for those two stints in Weight Watchers, one when I was 15 (parentally forced), and another in my early 30's. Nonetheless, even without being on the diet yo-yo, I have been on a slow weight yo-yo all of my life. I had thought I was done with that until recently when weight just started coming off without my even noticing.
Okay, I did notice, but only when it was pointed out to be that I had plumber's butt. I don't own a scale (never have) and visits to the doctor's office were my only feedback about weight. Truth is, I look in the mirror and always see the same thing, no matter what I weigh, unless I'm quite big or impossibly small. This is called body dysmorphia, though mine is odd (at least from what I've read). I've been big and thought I looked great, and I've been so skinny that I've looked like I was going through chemo and thought I looked exactly the same. Knowing this kept me off that diet yo-yo.
In the last year, I knew things had gotten bad. I don't mean that I was too heavy, even if I was. What I'm referring to is my self-image. I had begun to loathe my body so much that taking my morning shower was something I never wanted to do. Being alone with my own nakedness was unbearable. I started sleeping in my clothes, even though I knew this was a very bad sign. I would force myself to look in the mirror on occasion, stark naked, but it was too painful.
Yet, when I'd do yoga, I felt beautiful and vital. Afterwards, I could hop in the shower with no problem. I didn't need a book to tell me that how I felt about my body had nothing to do with what size I was. It was plainly (and painfully) obvious.
Now that I'm losing weight without trying, I can see some signs that I could easily fall into anorexic behavior, and I must be vigilant. When eating all-raw, that feeling of power over food feels just a few non-meals away. I remember the feeling of triumph of not eating, not being hungry and simply loving it all too well, and it surprises me that I do.
There's much that I think I've conquered and then learn (the hard way) that I still have a long ways to go on. Perhaps once being anorexic is akin to being an alcoholic and I should remember that it's a slippery slope from eating well and less to eating next to nothing. Food, unlike alcohol, is something one can't give up, nor would I want to (though an anorexic does try).
After I read the Oprah article, I got to thinking about a friend who was decidedly not happy about my non-enthusiasm for her weight loss. I can understand that she wanted some positive feedback, and yes, she did look wonderful. But I worried for her as I noticed how she went from an enormous lack of self-esteem to feeling oh-so-fantastic simply because she was thin. I worried for her as she would call me because she'd gotten off the scale in tears when she discovered she'd gained two pounds. Two pounds! Two pounds could be water, or not being regular.
Having one's self esteem hinge on weight is a losing proposition. And sadly, my fears came true, as I watched her weight go up slowly and all her self-loathing about her body come back along with the big clothes that hide everything. I never said "I told you so." I don't think I needed to, nor did she need anyone piling on any more insults, for she was doing a fine job of insulting herself daily.
Even as I recommend reading something in Oprah magazine, after writing this, I do bristle at doing so. Oprah means well (I think), but the magazine still uses too-skinny models for their fashion spreads and leaves the regular sized women for the one page pieces such as "the best jeans for your body type." There's pages and pages of ads for creams that'll do wonders for every different part of your body in the same issue as an article about how to chuck your cabinets full of cosmetics. In a way, the magazine is truly crazy-making. It takes a lot of sifting, discernment, and knowing oneself to ignore half of what you see and read and glean what's good from it all. So, in the end, maybe it's best not to pick up a copy.
Quite frankly, I'm not even sure just why I do pick up a copy of the magazine from time to time. It's the darned supermarket line, for one thing. . .I"m reading an article to while away the time, and I need to finish it, or I'm curious about what the those great jeans for my body type are. . .sheesh, I've got better things to do with my time, like finish one of those 1200 page books. And, Oprah, I don't want to hear about how you've finally come to terms with your weight, 'cause I've been hearing about it for over twenty years!
Painting note: Peter Paul Rubens, whom I always turn to when I'm writing about weight; "Venus and Adonis" c.1610.
No comments:
Post a Comment